White boy rehab day 1

Pretty. dang. TERRIBLE. I hate seeing him now. Seeing him around school, being stuck w/ him for an hour in 5th period. Him sitting RIGHT in front of me. Those dang freakin' amazing blue eyes. Like freaking hawaii ocean water. Like the sky on a spring day. Okay done w/ the corniness. I'm in REHAB. It's so hard to get over him. He was like perfect. I don't wanna let go the dibs i had on him. I don't want other girls to be on him, even tho i'm trying not to want him anymore. selfish right? I hate letting go. Letting go of the feeling of liking someone. being even more lonely before. having no one to talk about w/ my friends, or for my friends to tease me about. having no one to think about, look forward to seeing, no one to hope for. No one to think of when i see all these cute couples so i don't feel like a complete lonely loser like i do now. You like her. I don't know why but you do. And i hope one day , you realize that she doesn't see you, like i do. and you don't see me. it's funny right? "we ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us" 

" i just wanna show you, she don't even know you, she's never gonna love you like i wanna. and you just see right through me, if you only knew me, we could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible" 

Above the freakin' influence?

I really don't get the point of drugs. I mean, yeah, they'll make you feel good, but wtheck. There are so many things that can make you feel good without you damaging your body or acting like a retard the whole time. Have you ever heard of good, clean fun? have you ever heard of going out with friends and seeing a movie, going to a girlfriends house & eating icecream and talking all night? Iceskating, bowling, just chilling. Why do you have to bring in drugs? theres so many things god has provided for you to take PUUURE joy in. not a little high then you drop. Not making your eyes super red, not making you smell like shit. not making people disappointed in you. not making you join the hype. its so mind blowing to me why people would do that. I for one could go my whole life without tasting one drug. 

but thats just me. what do i know right.

I just noticed...

I dislike it when the people i love the most, find someone. I dislike it when they date someone and crap. It's this crappy feeling in the pit of my stomache /: I guess it's because i'm afraid they'll just forget about me, or anyone else close to them and focus EVERYTHING and all that they are on that someone. You may think, "michelle you're being stupid, you're overthinking, blah blah blah" but you'd be surprised. It's happened to me many, many times. My bestfriends, always get a boyfriend and i feel like i shouldn't be spending time with them anymore, what little time i still have with them. They're boyfriend or special someone would come around and then shoo me away like I'm a piece of crap. I hate that. I hate feeling like just because they're in a relationship with them that i'm not allowed to be around them or talk to them anymore. And the friendship weakens. I feel like i'm not important anymore, like i'm being pushed aside. It's happened twice and now this time would make it a third time. But this time it's different. It's my cousin, no my BIG BROTHER. I used to talk to him every night on the phone, i used to tell him everything or nothing at all. And i'm his FAMILY. And then all of a sudden he gets close to getting a girlfriend and he pushes his family aside. He doesn't talk to them and when he's with us he says he wishes she was there instead. HELLO?! We're your FAMILY. We come before anyone even your girlfriend, which is weird you know. You're not even dating her and you pushed away your family so fast. Too fast. You should learn a balance. That is why when someone that's very close to me finds someone or likes someone, i get worried. Worried of feeling unimportant, unincluded and pushed to the side. It also reminds me that i have no one. No one to also go to. No one to talk to on the phone all night. No one to double date with you guys. NO. ONE. 

This sucks. 

You

I've liked you for what? 2, almost 3 years now? You drive me insane. I like every little thing about you. Every. Little. Thing. You're always in the back of my mind. You're blue eyes, that i cant stop looking at, you're cute hair even when you have some random hair sticking out the side during pre cal, you're golden tan, the way you smirk, the retarted way you laugh, when you turn around and smile at me or mug me during class, your hugs, you're cute 'white boy' plaid shorts that make you look like a dumb nerd, how kind you are to everyone, you have one of the biggest hearts i know of. Just everything. I've waited for you for hecka long, i don't know why. I don't know why i haven't given up even tho you don't even like me. I don't know why i just cant like someone else. I WANT to, trust me. No one wants to wait forever for something that may never happen. But i'm so stuck. Stuck on you. I wish you would just like me. It kills me watching her talk to you /: you're not just my crush, you're my best guy friend and i miss talkin to you. And our stupid conversations, remember the one about death while we were getting frozen yogurt? Oh sooo random(:
I hope one day you realize that i've been right in front of you this whole time.

Shaky

–adjective, shak·i·er, shak·i·est.
liable to break down or give way; insecure; not to be depended upon: a shaky bridge.

And this is the word you use to describe our friendship?

"just remember, i cared when no one else gave a FUCK"

That fits exactly right now. Do you remember, when you would call me crying multiple times. Not just little tears here and there you were BAWLING. It was that time in your life where you were going through many break up/make ups . It was that time where your family did nothing but bring you further and further down. It was that time where no one understood you. It was that time where even your " BEST FRIENDS " weren't there for you. Where Brittany & Laura did NOTHING to help you. NOTHING at all. In fact, as i recall they left you JUST LIKE THAT. Because one little thing! Yeah, I'm sure you remember. Remember how they said you weren't the same w/ your boyfriend? Where one little change in your life led to them abandoning you? them ignoring you? them coming to MY house and just talking about you the WHOLE TIME . Where they said that this was it. AND THEY DIDN'T CARE. They weren't exactly crying a river. They told me all this crap you did. All this crap you said. They told me that they thought honestly you were using me. Yeah, they left you alone. They told me to also. But what did I do? I stayed with you. I was the ONLY ONE. The ONLY. FREAKING. ONE. I walked you to your classes, hung out with you at lunch, i stayed friends with you, bestfriends with you. Yeah, you called me crying, you told me you felt like i was the only one here for you. The only one that understands. You said 'sure brittany and laura are there but they bring me down and they don't get it' yeah. i was there. you thanked me every minute. I wrote you letters when you were sad yes? I held your books yes? I listened to you cry yes? I let you copy every freaking piece of homework yes? i told you everything was gonna be okay. I was the only one in this whole 3 freaking hardest years of your FUCKING life. yeah i cussed, now you know this is bad. I cared about you alooot.

 I don't get it, 'best' .  You know, i really, really don't. I don't understand, how you can call someone your bestfriend. Spend so much time with them, and NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEM IN THE END.  You changed so much. But yaknow what? I still was there. through everything. through all our ridiculous emotional moments, to our crack ups. I was there. If you cared about me, like you said you did, you would wanna TRY and put some effort to keep our friendship. You would do MORE than the "high expectations" you say i have that you "can't live up to". they're not expectations. If you really were my bestfriend, you would care enough to try to keep me in your life. You would try to talk to me over summer. You wouldn't try to avoid hanging out with me. I don't expect you to circle the globe for me and write 1000 letters. THOSE are high expectations. i just hope that you would care enough to show me you do? Oh but silly me, that wasn't gonna happen. 

Before, you were always there for me. no matter what. You would always talk about crap with me. You'd call me when somethings wrong, you would do this and that and that. now? you do nothing. And when i finally, finally have the guts to tell you about this? to make it better? You blame it on me. It was getting better the first couple days you knew something was wrong with me. Because you were worried. Scared i was treating you different. Scared that i wasn't there for you like i always was right? and that bugged you. So you started fixing everything. You started doing all the things i hoped the letter would make you do. So i let my guard down. Started caring about you, and being there like before. MY MISTAKE. Cause what did that do? that made you think "Hey, now she's fine, it's back to normal, now i can go back to not giving a fuck about her and her feelings and how i'm hurting her, making her cry, making her sad. I don't have to care anymore, cause she does that for the both of us." WOW WOW WOW. And then you have the nerve to rub everything i wrote in the letter into my face? Making me feel bad saying "ima promise breaker. im a bad friend" you mocked me on saying that i said not to write back. You know why i said that? BECAUSE I KNOW YOU. I knew you wouldn't. And you said "i won't promise to write back but i promise we'll talk about this" You know what 'best' you're probably not gonna do that either. 

I hate being so selfless. i hate being caring. because this whole time, this whole past year i held in everything. i held in the fact i feel used by you. i held in the fact i honestly did believe my "bestfriend" didn't care about me. I held in everything you did that hurt me. Because i knew if i told you, you would feel bad about yourself. this whole time best? YOU WERE THE ONE THAT MADE ME SAD. You were the reason. I went through all this pain and crap so you were happy. and no i'm not happy. i don't know anything. now i don't even have a "bestfriend" to be there for me. Sometimes 'Best' , i think our friendship was a lie. It never really did make sense that you were bestfriends with me. A person like you and a person like me bestfriends? Noooo. was i your pitty friend? was the only reason you were bestfriends with me because you were USING ME. You were using me to feel cared about. to get good grades. to not be alone. you were using me. Maybe thats why you're letting go of this friendship so easily. Maybe thats why you don't care. Because you never really did in the first place. maybe thats why. because i'm not a good enough friend for you right? Best, you have no clue, how much you've hurt me. I don't matter tho right? I'm too good of a person, to be friends with you. I'm too good of a friend. too good of a friend to be treated like crap by their "bestfriend" too good of a friend to feel alone and not cared about by the person that's SUPPOSED TO CARE THE MOST. 

I have so much anger and sadness in me. I can't even be around you anymore without either hating you, or missing being your friend. I guess it is good we didn't get classes together. Cause this happens for a reason. I hope your happy with yourself. I hope you're happy saying that you hurt the only one who really was there for you. Who really did care more than anyone else. Because I, michelle lani "winona" mendoza reyes, cared when no one else gave a fuck about you. And no matter how mad i am at you, no matter how much you hurt me, i still do. I still do care about you. You're still my bestfriend. But this is too much. I really don't know what's up with us now, but no matter what happens, i'll always be thankful i had you in my life or have you in my life. I'll be thankful i had a bestfriend that was there for me. And now you're not. I'll be thankful. and i'll remember the laughs and the tears. I'll remember the amazing person i was so glad to call my bestfriend. the girl in middle school who was happy. who was the funniest, happiest, most confident, thankful, kind, caring, beautiful person i knew.  I hope you can find that again. I hope one day, you'll look back on this and realize what you won't right now. That i was there, when no one was. That i was probably one of the best friends you would have in your entire life. And you didn't care enough to keep that. You didn't care enough to consider what i'm felling like right now. and you lost me. 

I love you Best. I would say "always and foreve_" like you used to but im just gonna put an 'r' at the end because there is an end to "forever" . So always and foreveR. 

take care of yourself, 

<3>

Bleh ;

I really do hate it when my friends talk about boys . When they talk about their "amazing" boyfriends , or their "annoying fights" or how in "love " they really are . I mean , I AM happy for them , don't get me wrong . But they make me feel sooooo ... inferior . That's the best way I could put it . INFERIOR . Really tho . I mean while they go on blabbing about the fights and the kisses and the exes and their baby's I'm here looking around like a freakin' retard pretending not to notice . Going "lalala , I don't know ANYTHING about this" I hate being so inexperienced . I mean , they always say "You're really lucky you haven't had one , a boyfriend just means PAIN" but the way I see it , it doesn't help at all . The way i see it is "It's better to have loved and lost then never loved AT ALL " I mean sure , you're boyfriend makes you cry , sure your boyfriend makes you hurt . But look how much you gain from that ? You have someone always there to make you feel LOVED , and to make you feel like the BEST person you could be . You have someone who can tell you you're beautiful and you can actually BELIEVE it this time , because if you weren't why would he be attracted to you . Someone you can believe in , someone to cry to , someone who can BELIEVE IN YOU . Just someone to always be there . I mean doesn't everyone WANT THAT and STRIVE FOR THAT ? While I'm here , lonely . Self concious , feeling inferior . I feel like such the underdog , I feel like a loser . I'm inferior to you guys in every way , I'm not as pretty , I'm not as rich , I don't dress as well , I don't have the greatest hair , I've never had a boyfriend . SHOOT , I've never even kissed someone . In many ways I feel like I shouldn't be friends w/ you , that I'm too unworthy , that people look at us and wonder how I could POSSIBLY fit in . That someone else SHOULD replace me . I wonder every day why god blessed me w/ you guys as friends . But at the same time , I feel like the lowest and highest person ever when I'm w/ you guys . Happy , but inferiorness is holding me back , bringing me back to sad .