Woooow , i got so scared i deleted this !

Haha , because it has one of the BEST things I've EVER written on here ! Dang , so lately I've been trying out tumblr , but I think it's more of the place to just share cool pictures & videos and quotes to people , not more BLOG like where you just talk about how you're doing and how's your life and HOW YOU FEEL . So yeah . I've missed blogging on here . So I guess I'll blog here and stay on tumblr and do what tumblr's actually made for on there . Gosh , i missed bloggin(:

RELOCATION

michellelani.tumblr.com
GET IT

Don't let 'em get , inside of your head <3

Mannnn oh man . Today my mind has been BEYOND stuck on this one fact : School starts in only 2 weeks . For the whole summer i haven't worried a bit . I was actually REALLY excited ! I still am i guess but the excitement is crossed over more with the feeeear and worries . I don't know why . But come on guys it's HIGHSCHOOL . I mean it's bigger than middle school , harder , and more drama filled i bet . And i don't really want any of that after my HUGE share of drama in the past school year . Theres new people , new experiences , new challenges , new TROUBLES ahead in that place known as Armijo High . And to be honest i'm scared of whats to come . Lord help me .

Dang

1. I feel like I don't know you anymore , and what scares me the most is : what if you DO break up with him (the person who changed you in the first place) and you don't go back to YOU ? You're the most amazing , kind , REAL , easy to talk to person i know . I'm hoping for a good outcome because to lose something as rare as a person you know you'd never have a fight with , a person who you're sure you will simply be best friends with for a LOOONG time , is to lose alot .

2. It frustrates me how i have this annooyinnnng concept , or train of thought in the back of my MIND . It (or he) just sticks there . Its very hard to explain . Its like its there in the back of my mind 24/7 and im aware of it but i never actually THINK about it. Does that make sense? HIGH SCHOOL, oh man i can't wait to see what happens with this train of thought....

THATS ALL .

bore; to weary by dullness and/or tedious repetition

that word defines my whoooole summer so far in a nutshell. wow, this is crazy. i get up, i eat, i go on the computer, i listen to music, i nap, i go on the computer again, play basketball, i nap, listen to music, go on the computer, then go to sleep.

there are so many people i wanna see, there are SO many people i miss. i feel like im in a cave, no contact with anyone but my dumb siblings! blaaaah. it's not my fault, i think the universe HATES me. whenever i try to make plans something always comes up.

the universe wants me to go crazy cooped up in my house ):

i can handle this.

i am beyond proud of myself.
i have a new confidence in me and i figured out how strong i've turned out to be.
the credit goes to the cousins mainly, they've helped me through starting to grow up.

i know whatever happens, ill be fine with my new found strength & my family right behind me.

drama, drama, drama whatever, i don't care anymore.

we.should.celebrate!

the beezey's gone, the beezey's gone, the beezey's gone, the beezey's gone, the beezey's gone:)
she is out of my life & i never have to deal with her AGAIN. geeze i've beeen waiting FOREEEVER for this moment.

her life is terrible. hahahaha.

areyouserious.

am i trying to hard? i mean i know, our relationship is SUPPOSED to be natural. It is with all my other family members but ours is a bit....awkward in person. I mean youve helped me through alot and you obviously mean ALOT to me but do i mean the same to you? i mean you never seem like you care at all, and whenever im around you seem distant. I dont know maybe im going crazy. I usually am. But i just..i just wish there was something i could do you know? i have no clue what im saying, and people reading this might not even understand but i really needed to get this out. I LOVE YOU i just don't know if you care.

a calm moment

yes it is true my life is finally settling down for me to breath. I know it won't be like this for long but i might as well enjoy it while i can. I think this is really a chapter in my life that is closing. This chapter has been...tiring to say the least. Its been one of the worst but also once i think about it the best times in my life. I mean meeting new people, losing some, gaining some, regaining some. Its all a huge rush. Theres been alot of struggles but this has to be one of my favorite times in my life because this is the one where i learn and grow.

lets see where this crazy thing called life takes me next.

we are changing;

man i feel so dang emo today. (trust me i am no where near that stage at all). How many people have i lost? how many people are drifting away from me right now? well the numbers arent very cheerful. I dont know what i do, but i do them and people hate me. Almost everyone freaking hates me or doesnt like me anymore. Ive lost people that i wanted to be in my life forever and im still losing the ones that helped me get through the most painful situations ive come across in my entire life. Im no stranger to pain though. i know most of it is all my fault, i was dumb in my past i did dumb things and i continue to do dumb things. Hopefully im becoming a better person and in the end, ill have at least ONE person. someone. anyone.

im-a-healthy-girl:)

yaaaay. so yeah my uncle scored an amazing basketball hoop and now, i get to play whenever i want:) its a good thing too. ive been meaning to excersise (spelt that wrong) more, if you cant tell im fat. hahaha. yeah yeah yeah "NO YOUR NOT SHUT UP MICHELLE" hahahaa or "im going to shank you with this umbrella", but i think i am haha. so yeah. i feel so dang healthy :)

whataday.

wow. so this is what growing up really feels like. This was the most interesting,painful,amazing,terrible,WONDERFUL day. I felt alot of pain today. the words "youre ruining my life and i dont want to talk" cut way deeper than it was supposed to. but i went to my party, i spent time with the most caring amazing people in my life and i had fun:) you guys really made my birthday special. i figured out im going to be okay. and i wasted my time trying to pretend we could end this right. because YOURE not a right person anymore. we both changed. the people we used to be might have worked this out but i got stronger and smarter thanks to my own "personal suns" and you became a....well i hate to say this but a bitch. sorry i cussed people. i promise i never will again but thats the truth. i love my family and they are the ONLY ones i rely on and trust with all my heart. You guys are so sweet and amazing and you make me forget my worries. thanks for making this birthday the best yet.

and amanda im wearing the earings and i hate you very much:)

breathe.

1.)okay,i went into this expecting a okay, i can do that. or NO WAY *beep* but not a "i really miss you and id be cool with being your friend". woah. i got caught so off guard. i AM tempted to be your friend, sincerely, i miss you. but i can see the person i miss isnt really you at the moment. Youve changed and i realize i cant be friends with you at the moment. Im glad we're okay i got really tired of getting and giving dirty looks. You have to understand that im not ready, i cant trust you after that, and i really hope you ARE trying to be a better person; but right now its a no. im sorry, but my life without you has been good. im glad youre kinda sorta in it again but lets keep it like THAT for a while:)

2.)I MISS YOU. i miss you deeply. i miss the days where we would talk on the phone for hours and hours and my sisters would get mad and yell at me to get off the phone because it was bound to put a dent in the phone bill. I get really sad when you only talk to me to get help on your homework and really that isnt even talking.ugh. i just hate how we were best friends, i had to move. iloveyou though. you always make me laugh or used to at least and you give me the best advice. i just miss 6th grade! ugh. i wish i had a time machine.

sigh.

moving again. great. i really dont want to do this. once you get settled somewhere you have to relocate somewhere else. If you havent noticed by now, im not a really BIG fan of change whatsoever. I HATE these times where everyone struggles. I know i need to sacrifice things not needed for the better good, but it gets hard. ive grown so accostomed to these things. so option 1 (which im probably going to do) is suck it up and keep moving. This makes me stronger. option 2: is move in with amanda and become her adopted filipino sister:) hahahaha. just kidding.

<3 michelle
p.s. youre pretty insane yourself cousin.

conclusion.

im just a stupid, nerdy, not even close to pretty girl that no one wants to be friends with and i should stop bugging everyone by even trying.


nice.

getaclue.

dump the guy.

the end.

tellmewhy.

lately ive been insanely tired.i havent been trying much to do anything either.im not sure why. this week has been sucky AND insanely slow. ugh. i feel hecka unwanted and useless.

Ugh.

this is so frustrating. when i really need a way to communicate emotions i turn to the one thing ive known best since i was born basically: music. When i have a situation i want to let out everything about its always been the best way to make me feel better. I write some lyrics, play some chords, sing some notes BANGGG perfect cure. But lately ive been feeling so slow about it. I pick up my guitar, go to the piano, and theres no result at all. Things are changing and i really need to write some songs right now. UGH. but it isnt working for me. is this the end of my music? its really infuriating to hold in such emotions and feelings, and thoughts. WANTING so badly to let them out in my own personal way but right now i dont have the notes, the ears, the talent to do so.

I really dont like you.

gah. it seems like every single time i like a boy everything for me goes out of wack! maybe i just shouldnt like people anymore. Thats a really hard thought to deal with. i am so confused right now its not even funny. thats what happens when you like a guy with multiple personalities >:( man. maybe im just meant to be alone. haha. llisten to me im just 13 and im already considering that my love life is over AND i havent even dated yet lol. maybe im just going insane. yeah thats it. ugh i need some help.

love, michelle