White boy rehab day 1

Pretty. dang. TERRIBLE. I hate seeing him now. Seeing him around school, being stuck w/ him for an hour in 5th period. Him sitting RIGHT in front of me. Those dang freakin' amazing blue eyes. Like freaking hawaii ocean water. Like the sky on a spring day. Okay done w/ the corniness. I'm in REHAB. It's so hard to get over him. He was like perfect. I don't wanna let go the dibs i had on him. I don't want other girls to be on him, even tho i'm trying not to want him anymore. selfish right? I hate letting go. Letting go of the feeling of liking someone. being even more lonely before. having no one to talk about w/ my friends, or for my friends to tease me about. having no one to think about, look forward to seeing, no one to hope for. No one to think of when i see all these cute couples so i don't feel like a complete lonely loser like i do now. You like her. I don't know why but you do. And i hope one day , you realize that she doesn't see you, like i do. and you don't see me. it's funny right? "we ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us" 

" i just wanna show you, she don't even know you, she's never gonna love you like i wanna. and you just see right through me, if you only knew me, we could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible" 

Above the freakin' influence?

I really don't get the point of drugs. I mean, yeah, they'll make you feel good, but wtheck. There are so many things that can make you feel good without you damaging your body or acting like a retard the whole time. Have you ever heard of good, clean fun? have you ever heard of going out with friends and seeing a movie, going to a girlfriends house & eating icecream and talking all night? Iceskating, bowling, just chilling. Why do you have to bring in drugs? theres so many things god has provided for you to take PUUURE joy in. not a little high then you drop. Not making your eyes super red, not making you smell like shit. not making people disappointed in you. not making you join the hype. its so mind blowing to me why people would do that. I for one could go my whole life without tasting one drug. 

but thats just me. what do i know right.

I just noticed...

I dislike it when the people i love the most, find someone. I dislike it when they date someone and crap. It's this crappy feeling in the pit of my stomache /: I guess it's because i'm afraid they'll just forget about me, or anyone else close to them and focus EVERYTHING and all that they are on that someone. You may think, "michelle you're being stupid, you're overthinking, blah blah blah" but you'd be surprised. It's happened to me many, many times. My bestfriends, always get a boyfriend and i feel like i shouldn't be spending time with them anymore, what little time i still have with them. They're boyfriend or special someone would come around and then shoo me away like I'm a piece of crap. I hate that. I hate feeling like just because they're in a relationship with them that i'm not allowed to be around them or talk to them anymore. And the friendship weakens. I feel like i'm not important anymore, like i'm being pushed aside. It's happened twice and now this time would make it a third time. But this time it's different. It's my cousin, no my BIG BROTHER. I used to talk to him every night on the phone, i used to tell him everything or nothing at all. And i'm his FAMILY. And then all of a sudden he gets close to getting a girlfriend and he pushes his family aside. He doesn't talk to them and when he's with us he says he wishes she was there instead. HELLO?! We're your FAMILY. We come before anyone even your girlfriend, which is weird you know. You're not even dating her and you pushed away your family so fast. Too fast. You should learn a balance. That is why when someone that's very close to me finds someone or likes someone, i get worried. Worried of feeling unimportant, unincluded and pushed to the side. It also reminds me that i have no one. No one to also go to. No one to talk to on the phone all night. No one to double date with you guys. NO. ONE. 

This sucks.