I try .

I hate how I'm always the mother freakin' friend who cares the most . I hate how I'm the one writing long letters on how important you are to me , and how I can't afford to lose you every single time . I hate being the one to listen to YOUR problems . I hate how when I ask you for a freakin' letter it takes so freakin' freakin' long for you to write back because you have "homework" that you dont really do , and when I finally get the letter , it's short . I hate trying to steer you in the right direction and you go the complete other way . I hate making all the effort to keep us as strong as we are . I hate the ridiculous arguments . I hate how sometimes you don't notice when it's obvious somethings wrong . I hate me . I hate how I care too much . I hate my nature to care more for everyone that comes my way . i hate being a caring person because it's frustrating . It's frustrating to care for someone so much and noticing how amazing someone is and reminding them daily knowing that they will never ever own up to how much you care . It's not their fault . Just nature I guess . I hate trying to tell you about this and you asking what I want you to do and ME not being able to tell you because I feel bad for hurting YOU and making you feel like a bad friend . I hate hurting just to avoid you hurting . Sometimes I hate being selfless I hate being caring . I just wanna be the friend for once that gets love poured on them by everyone that cares about them . I just wanna be you for a day . knowing daily that you're loved by me and everyone else . I wanna be the one recieving constant letters and i love yous . I wanna be the one that's beautiful and loved and confident . I wanna be the one thats wanted . Not the one giving you all these things sometimes .

Boyfriend

Wow , haven't typed in you for a while . Well , lately I've been.. lost ? Not literally but emotionally . Lately I've been wishing those who care for me would show it more , or I've been wishing I would meet someone that DID . I've been feeling unloved , or not worth love at all . I've been feeling like no one's here for me , when something in MY life goes wrong . I guess to make a long story short , I've been feeling LONELY . I guess I've finally figured out why I've been hoping and aching for a boyfriend . I don't need a boyfriend , I know I don't . It's just , since my family disappoints me , and my friends even sometimes , I figure he wouldn't . He would be that ONE person I'm looking for that will care for me and show they care as much as I do about them . He would be the one that would always be there for me . He'd be my safety blanket . I wish it was that easy , just pick a guy that you like and he automatically feels the same . But it's not like that . I wish , I just wish that at least one guy in my life would want me as much as I really want them . I really really really liked him . He was in my opinion perfect . But , I guess I'm not enough . Story of my life . Never in my life has a guy that i like liked me back . And no ones getting at me . And no boy has told me he likes me . My self confidence level is low as it is . How can I believe it when someone says I'm pretty or I'm "flawless" when theres no evidence whatsoever to back this freakin' crap up . If I was pretty , gorgeous , smart , funny , flawless you would think he would want me . You would think SOMEONE would . But they don't . I just wish one guy would come along and make me happy . Fill in the missing space , be the one person who cares for ME exponentially instead of me caring for others . I want to feel loved , liked , heck wanted .

I guess thats too much to ask .